Chapter Three: Indecision?

"Should I stay or should I go now.

If I stay there will be trouble...

...if I go it will be double."

     -The Clash

Perhaps the most simple and straightforward method for stretching out the Now is the very deft tactic of being unclear about what to do in it. More than any other choice this one will cause the Now to spiral endlessly out in front of one like bad abdominal gas in a tail wind.  Indecision is the most effective way of extending the present moment.  Except for fear of failure.  Fear of failure is really good too. Fear of failure is probably just as good or better than indecision but has a different quality and makeup to it so it's tough to compare... Indecision is easier.  Unless you had the right kind of childhood - then fear of failure is a snap! It's just right there! But we're talking about Indecision aren't we. Okay.

In any case, Indecision is an excellent choice for extending the Now. Fed by the tributaries of Ambivalence, Indifference, Apathy, Uncertainty and plain old Cowardice, this mighty river of Stop flows in the hands of a master.  Once adept, you too can extend almost any moment to unreasonable, nearly unbearable lengths.

Indecision rapidly inserts a usable space between you and Action, making it one of the basic procrastination moves, used in combination with other more potent moves which might take more time to bring to bear. In a way Indecision is the quick jab that is followed by the knock-out punch of more serious character flaws.  Let's look more closely at the enabling tendencies that let this puppy out to play.

Ambivalence

Commonly confused with Indifference, Ambivalence actually means an individual has very strong feelings about the alternatives and so cannot choose.  Found mostly in passionate, anxious people this is an excellent option for the more energetic among us.  Try nail biting the next time you are faced with a choice - any choice.  How does that feel?  Like home?  Make the situation matter much more than it does.  In fact it is helpful to believe the choice will reflect on you personally, your character, and that your mother will know, and that at your 25 year High School Reunion Craig Olsen will find out, he was always such a dick, and he'll be drunk and grab the mic during the boring "Remember When" part and blab it to the whole rec center amid shrieks of feedback and you will stand there, surrounded by an empty space, numb, your face bright red, and you will wet your pants.

...if that doesn't make it tough to choose between the steak tar tar and the pasta dish I don't know what will.

Indifference

Indifference, not having strong feelings either way, is the relaxed, easy going path to Indecision.  This is the option of choice for happy, go-with-the-flow people who just want to have fun (but don't know how). This most commonly presents as the belief that you personally are there for reasons other than this particular choice.  It's not so much the steak tar tar or the pasta that brought you here, but the ambiance and the delight in her company.  This deceptively simple belief (and the inner darkness and terror it represents) can make that choice puzzling and extend the Time Before Ordering long enough to seriously annoy your date.

The classic expression of this point of view is the exchange:

     "What do you want to do?"
     "I don't know, what do you want to do?"

[Note: this is often rendered with an apathetic tone - however as you will see this is not an exchange of apathy and should more properly be delivered in the maddeningly light and air-headed tone of that twit friend who just follows everyone else around. ...my apologies if that happens to be you.]

While this exchange seems innocent enough it is fueled by deep insecurities and crises of self-worth that can greatly aid the procrastinator.  To see if Indifference can work for you, try on this helpful Self-Talk.

SELF TALK TIPS

• "I don't matter."
• "No one wants to know what I think really."
• "Does this person like me?"

Think about it. If you're trying to figure out whether ordering the steak tar tar will make the waiter (not to mention your date) like you, your Time Before Order will be delayed so long that both of them will want to spit in your food.

Coming Soon! Stay tuned as we explore Indecision further with Apathy! Uncertainty! and Cowardice!

Chapter Two: The Clock - Its Weaknesses and Vulnerabilities

          "What the catepiller calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly."
          "When will the butterfly come out?"
          "Soon."
          "In the meantime…?"
          "He's in a tiny dark box."

            - Maharishi Gus reading Richard Bach's Illusions to his son Headtrip.

Here's a scenario, tell me if this sounds familiar.  My friend picks me up on the corner.  I get in his car, we say our hello's, bump fists like white boys and exchange pleasantries.  I put my 1994 bike messenger bag on the floor ('cause that’s just how in style I am) see the clock and say…

"Oh shit!  We're going to be late."

"No. We're good" my friend says. "That clock is seven minutes fast."

?

Does this mean that the clock cannot  be set to the correct time? It automatically jumps seven minutes ahead?

No.

Does it mean my friend is unable to set the clock in his car, but just inherited a clock that someone else or the vagaries of chance jarred seven minutes ahead?

Maybe - because very few people can actually figure out what those little 'h' and 'm' buttons by the clock display are, or how to hold them down.  Why grown people cannot figure out how to hold down a little button is interesting but beside the point. Car Clock Incompetence might be the explanation - but it is not sufficient is it? Because we all know about 30 people each who purposefully set their clocks ahead - don't we?  One of them may even be sitting in your chair right now.

What is up with that?

Let's examine the logic of the situation for a moment. You've got to be somewhere at a  specific time.  You look at the clock: Oh crap! I'm late! No, I'm okay. That clock is fast.  I still have time.

The situation with an accurate clock: Oh, I'm okay, I still have time.

What is gained? Is it really just crap?

The simple minded among you will say it is the fear factor, the rush of adrenalin and concern caused by a misapprehension of lateness that is intended to spur the torpid procrastinator into action.  But here the point and the genius of this strategy is missed altogether.  It is not the adrenalin and action that is sought, it is the relief, the inaction.  The extra golden time that has appeared magically! from God knows where because that clock was fast. Ah! I can sit another moment gnawing my chicken wing, downloading podcasts I will never listen to. Sweet luxury of Now! Blessed stillness! What time is it? …crap!... etc., etc.

The best natural proof that this strategy is not designed to get the malefactor to the church on time is that it does not work.  The people who use this strategy are habitually late, aren't they? Some of you who use this strategy are saying now "No, no. I do this and I'm on time!" But then your idea of being on time is being five minutes late isn't it?

So here we have another strategy for stealing back the present moment from the domination of others and "commitments" and expanding it into a lollygagging mess.  How can we too employ this stratagem?  It turns out there are just three simple steps:

First In any given place where you are, set one and only one clock ahead.  Commonly this is the bedside clock or the kitchen clock and the car clock.  If all the clocks are set the same amount ahead there is the possibility you will forget they are fast and show up on time.  Confusion is essential.  It is confusion that will generate the panic from which you will find relief in the now.

One exception to this rule is that you may set multiple clocks ahead if they are fast by different amounts. This can contribute to confusion and bad math.  Under no circumstances set a clock slow.  (Have you ever even seen a slow clock?)

Second is bad math. Never set a clock ahead ten minutes or five minutes. This is a chump move and the mark of an amateur. Do you know anyone who does this? No. They are always seven minutes or twelve minutes or nine minutes ahead - numbers that are tough to subtract quickly, especially across the hour mark. Quick! A clock that says 6:06 is thirteen minutes fast! What time is it?

See?

Math that is unclear leaves you with both the feeling of having more time and the uncertainty of how much time that is - allowing the confusion-to-panic-to-relief cycle to continue bringing pleasure into moment after moment.

Third remind yourself frequently that your clock is set ahead, but avoid actually trying to figure out what time it is until you are stressed and about to be late.  It is important that you not get good at subtracting seven minutes from the time or it will become second nature (if this should happen set your clock the next prime number of minutes ahead). Remember, it is not really important what time it is until it's too late anyway.

This technique works better with digital clocks than analogue as we tend to estimate with analogue clocks anyway and seldom trouble to do the misleading math necessary to instill breathless relief.  However, if you are particularly spatially challenged and did really badly at those freaking  SAT problems where you had to fold up the little shapes in your mind and pick which psycho igloo it formed then analogue may be the right way to go for you.

Challenges

Some problems with this technique come from the modern devices we now use all the time.  In the era of the wound wrist watch (…hey kids! We used to tell time with a little metal gear box and spring that we wound up and tied to our wrists!) this was a simple and reliable technique.  Now things are more complicated.

The computer!  This technique cannot be used on the computer - because as everyone knows changing the time on your computer actually changes the time that things happen.  Do this and you risk ending up trying to explain to HR and the police why you were working at 5 a.m. Sunday morning when the building was on fire. Don't change the time on your computer!  The sun will move.

Cell phones!  Cell phones get their time from God and so can't be fooled by pushing 'h' and 'm' buttons. Cell phones always know what time it is because they are connected to the NIST-F1 fountain atomic clock that IS what time IT is.  … and that is a potent clock. (Incidentally it is this clock that will eventually become the Cyberdyne Systems Skynet Computer that will take over the world and exterminate humanity in the Terminator movies.  It will do this because someone found the 'h' and 'm' buttons and tried to decieve it about being 13 minutes earlier than it actually was ...is ...will be - whatever.) It is accurate to 5.10^-16 of a second,  and measures time by the vibration of atoms so it knows when 4:20 p.m. really is with a precision that is truly mind-blowing. Why we are using this clock to tell the time and not the one that knows that this one is 0.000000000000000051 seconds off is beyond me. Let's upgrade, I say.

Advanced techniques:

You know that guy who occasionally asks you "Is it Tuesday?"  Talk about advanced!

P.S.  Check this out: Secret minute at Grand Central Station

Chapter One: You are not your appointments

"Being on time, being late, being early… how can you be late for the Now, man? You are already here."
- Maharishi H. Gus Stukowski

The Procrastinator's relationship with an appointment most closely approximates Zeno's paradox. You may recall that Zeno, a Greek philosopher of the Eleatic school, preceding Socrates, observed that as an arrow travels towards its target it must first get half way there. It takes time for the arrow to do this - less, it's true, than the time it takes for the whole distance to the target, but it takes some time. Zeno further observed that before reaching this half-way point, the arrow must first travel half the way to that midpoint. This also takes some time. And it must travel half the way to the quarter point, half way to the eighth point etc., etc., etc., each section taking some time to accomplish. Since there are an infinite number of these sections and each one would require some amount of time to do, the arrow must take an infinite amount of time to reach its target which is impossible, so the arrow can't move.

How does this relate to the procrastinator and appointments? This is what I think about when I should be preparing for a meeting. It's really weird about the arrow. Also, did you know that Zeno, not Socrates, is the attributed inventor of dialectic? Totally overshadowed by the other guy… so so not fair.

Still there are important parallels between skillful procrastination in getting out the door to make an appointment and Zeno's arrow. As it comes time for the procrastinator to leave for an appointment time itself begins to slow down into these half-way chunks. This adds both sweetness to the precious extra moments of activity (even television viewing benefits from this technique) and a greater attention to the details of the moment on the way, as every uncooperative driver and mischance become rehearsed as the Reason For Being Late.

Let's take the case of Dan who has an appointment with Marshall at 5:30. Early in the day Dan estimates the amount of time it will take him to drive in his car from his apartment to the coffee shop where he is meeting Marshall. Like Zeno this first conception is ideal in that it does not include traffic, parking or getting gas. [While Zeno might not have had to worry about his arrow finding time to park or get gas, it is almost certain that the person the arrow actually stopped in would take issue with his assertion that it was not, in fact, moving. To some reality will always count.]

Dan's estimate is joyful and optimistic - it is a short drive to the coffee shop and it will take 20 minutes to get there. Dan's estimate is joyful and optimistic because procrastinators are joyful and optimistic people. Life is good! Things go well! It's a beautiful day! Procrastinators are Stop-and-Smell-the-Roses kind of people. This is why they are to be emulated and admired.

As the watched for departure time of 5:15 p.m. arrives Dan begins to consider leaving. [The attentive among you will have noted that Dan's estimate should have put the watched for departure time at 5:10 p.m. - but this is not a real time, because it is not in an appropriate quarter hour increment, and is therefore rounded up. (Remember - we're optimists!)]. Dan has now also made a second very deft procrastination move as he has shifted his original departure activity from driving off in his car to leaving his apartment. He has done this because it takes no time to leave one's apartment, so it doesn't really add any time.

He gets up to brush his teeth - there was some spinach at lunch that stuck in between his front teeth that makes him look like a hick and it's important he make a good impression on Marshall. Brushing one's teeth also doesn't really take any time and so that doesn't add anything. Oh! And he's got to feed the cats! That's right, he won't be back 'till late so that'll just take a quick second… and then he really does need to put that meatloaf from lunch back in the fridge. Is it still good anymore? Better look it over a bit and give it smell - don't want to die of botulism… and put those plates in the sink… and run water on them, otherwise all that stuff will be solid as a rock and impossible to get off tomorrow. Ah! There! And we're out the door!

…what time is it?

Well it's about 5:25 p.m. He's still not late! Reason for a quick fist-pump of celebration. One quick parallel we see between Dan and Zeno's arrow is that the operable chunks of time continue to get smaller and smaller. Dan started working with twenty minute blocks, then fifteen, and before he gets behind the wheel he's already working in 5 minute blocks. And then he's off in the car, behind the really slow lady and the guy who just had to turn left, and he's in line to get gas and by the time he is struggling to find a parking space Dan is living in a world of seconds. He is intensely PRESENT and very much alive.

Shortly, at 6:15 p.m., he will relate to Marshall all the amazing things that happened in those drawn out seconds and how odd it was that it proved so difficult to cross town at rush hour and park within hiking distance of this cool café where people eat dinner. It's particularly strange to Dan because he is an optimist! And it's so weird that it took so long to actually get here, finally, breathless, with clean teeth and very much alive. Thank God Marshall was just hanging out having espresso the whole time! This will almost certainly not impact his decision to hire Dan.

The most striking parallel of course is the infinitude of small steps, each between Dan and the door, each taking a smaller and smaller chunk of time , but when added together the arrow just doesn't move. What sets Dan apart as a great man though is his optimism. Dan expects great things from life, he expects the elements and the accidents to go his way - and that is truly magnificent. What's more he expects the people he keeps waiting to understand when things don't work out as they ought. Why shouldn't they understand? It was so weird that there was all that traffic!

A lesser man might think "experience has shown me that I am consistently 45 minutes late and that impacts people in a way I don't like - I should start leaving 45 minutes before I need to, I'll set an alarm to remind me." Such a person would miss all the intensity, all the concentrated attention, all the aliveness of watching the world unfold fresh, and standing tall (well... a little hunched) in the face of peoples' annoyance and non-acceptance. Being Present means enjoying the same lessons over and over and over.

In terms of being where we're supposed to be and ready to go, most of us are consistently 5 to 10 minutes late. It's a sign of our strength and potential that we are not consistently 5 to 10 minutes early. That would be weird. Why would anyone want to arrive somewhere and wait? It's much better to do the waiting before you leave. But by following these simple guidelines you too can stretch those moments out, and experience the intensity of the Present:

1. Be an optimist! Don't make allowances for "circumstances." That's just negative ju ju man.

2. Keep your attention on the most important part of the picture - in Dan's case, the drive time. This keeps your time management uncluttered from all that peripheral stuff that will just happen anyway.

3. Keep things in perspective! Is it really so important that we start "promptly at 5:30"? Like they've got somewhere else to be? Well, they might but so what - doesn't everybody?

4. MOST IMPORTANT: Don't let previous experience color your sense for the possibility of Now! That is what we call a "Past defined conversation" and is just you putting yourself in a little box of sameness. Every moment is new - possibility is always possible.

"The real pitfall here is some people just decide they're going to be on time. This decision puts the focus on being somewhere else and somewhen else, and you start to let what you ARE doing now be influenced by what you WILL do LATER. You see such people with alarms and reminders and little prepared lists of what they've got to get together to get out the door. Just doing whatever it takes to be on time. Always living for some other moment. Very sad, very sad." - M. H. Gus

Introduction: One sweet moment

What is all the rush, really?

The Procrastinator knows like no one else, with near religious intensity, the value and savor of sixty bare seconds, a single moment of time. The moment Before Action. For the procrastinator this moment glitters and tingles as the holy and mysterious qualities of even the most mundane and ordinary features of the landscape (like laundry or YouTube) reveal themselves in all their fascination and wonder. It is the spiritual practice of the procrastinator to lengthen this moment, the moment Before Action, stretching this tenuous present out longer and longer by having the strength of will to NOT do. It is this simple act, having the will to stop, to wait, that makes the present moment so sweet for the procrastinator.

How then can we, ordinary people, attain these heights of ecstasy and appreciation, of Presence? Can we too put things off? Can we learn to find the satori of Spider Solitaire? The deep belly laugh in a forwarded email joke? The world in a grain of dust on the sill behind the shelf where the postcards are?

I'm here to tell you it's possible, and you can do it too! Come with me on an adventure into the present, as we explore the mysteries of time, the paradoxes of over committing, the pitfalls of accomplishment and ambition and ultimately the near total freedom (except for that thing I've got to do) of the Master Procrastinator.

And we are indeed fortunate to have a true master to guide us - Marhishi Gus Stukowski, legendary procrastinator of the Jersey Park home garage project of '78. I had the great luck to meet Gus at a Popeye's Chicken joint while he hovered beautifully between ordering the two or the three piece meal (See: Indecision). Not wanting to disturb his beatific repose I bought both meals, introduced myself and started a series of interviews which aren't quite done yet, but make up the heart of this work.

We will hear Gus's own story and join him for an odyssey through all the tricks and traps of procrastination. We'll learn about time and underestimating it, indecision, ambivalence and it's sister skill indifference, using the fear of failure, unrealistic expectations and perfectionism, finding the still, tortured spot poised between conflicting internal demands and how to dissociate from them altogether. We'll learn how to use the modern wonder of the internet, finding that even here there are possibilities for distraction if you look closely. And of course we'll learn the key phrases and self-talk that can make or break the procrastinator - phrases like: "One more x..."; "I'll do it when y..."; " There's plenty of time"; "It's so late now it doesn't make much difference"; and most of all "Soon."

So what are you waiting for? Can I join you? Why not avoid that nagging voice in your head by reading this blog? That's what I'm doing writing it! Are you kidding me? There must be 10,000 things I should be doing right now. This is sweet! The afternoon sun is blazing through the windows like molten gold and everyone in this coffee shop looks so interesting! ...except for that guy... he looks kinda lame. But everyone else looks really interesting! And behind it all, providing the power that makes this moment so magnificent is this; I've got to find a real job and soon or my ass is toast.

And that's the key... Soon!