Chapter Two: The Clock - Its Weaknesses and Vulnerabilities

          "What the catepiller calls the end of the world, the Master calls the butterfly."
          "When will the butterfly come out?"
          "Soon."
          "In the meantime…?"
          "He's in a tiny dark box."

            - Maharishi Gus reading Richard Bach's Illusions to his son Headtrip.

Here's a scenario, tell me if this sounds familiar.  My friend picks me up on the corner.  I get in his car, we say our hello's, bump fists like white boys and exchange pleasantries.  I put my 1994 bike messenger bag on the floor ('cause that’s just how in style I am) see the clock and say…

"Oh shit!  We're going to be late."

"No. We're good" my friend says. "That clock is seven minutes fast."

?

Does this mean that the clock cannot  be set to the correct time? It automatically jumps seven minutes ahead?

No.

Does it mean my friend is unable to set the clock in his car, but just inherited a clock that someone else or the vagaries of chance jarred seven minutes ahead?

Maybe - because very few people can actually figure out what those little 'h' and 'm' buttons by the clock display are, or how to hold them down.  Why grown people cannot figure out how to hold down a little button is interesting but beside the point. Car Clock Incompetence might be the explanation - but it is not sufficient is it? Because we all know about 30 people each who purposefully set their clocks ahead - don't we?  One of them may even be sitting in your chair right now.

What is up with that?

Let's examine the logic of the situation for a moment. You've got to be somewhere at a  specific time.  You look at the clock: Oh crap! I'm late! No, I'm okay. That clock is fast.  I still have time.

The situation with an accurate clock: Oh, I'm okay, I still have time.

What is gained? Is it really just crap?

The simple minded among you will say it is the fear factor, the rush of adrenalin and concern caused by a misapprehension of lateness that is intended to spur the torpid procrastinator into action.  But here the point and the genius of this strategy is missed altogether.  It is not the adrenalin and action that is sought, it is the relief, the inaction.  The extra golden time that has appeared magically! from God knows where because that clock was fast. Ah! I can sit another moment gnawing my chicken wing, downloading podcasts I will never listen to. Sweet luxury of Now! Blessed stillness! What time is it? …crap!... etc., etc.

The best natural proof that this strategy is not designed to get the malefactor to the church on time is that it does not work.  The people who use this strategy are habitually late, aren't they? Some of you who use this strategy are saying now "No, no. I do this and I'm on time!" But then your idea of being on time is being five minutes late isn't it?

So here we have another strategy for stealing back the present moment from the domination of others and "commitments" and expanding it into a lollygagging mess.  How can we too employ this stratagem?  It turns out there are just three simple steps:

First In any given place where you are, set one and only one clock ahead.  Commonly this is the bedside clock or the kitchen clock and the car clock.  If all the clocks are set the same amount ahead there is the possibility you will forget they are fast and show up on time.  Confusion is essential.  It is confusion that will generate the panic from which you will find relief in the now.

One exception to this rule is that you may set multiple clocks ahead if they are fast by different amounts. This can contribute to confusion and bad math.  Under no circumstances set a clock slow.  (Have you ever even seen a slow clock?)

Second is bad math. Never set a clock ahead ten minutes or five minutes. This is a chump move and the mark of an amateur. Do you know anyone who does this? No. They are always seven minutes or twelve minutes or nine minutes ahead - numbers that are tough to subtract quickly, especially across the hour mark. Quick! A clock that says 6:06 is thirteen minutes fast! What time is it?

See?

Math that is unclear leaves you with both the feeling of having more time and the uncertainty of how much time that is - allowing the confusion-to-panic-to-relief cycle to continue bringing pleasure into moment after moment.

Third remind yourself frequently that your clock is set ahead, but avoid actually trying to figure out what time it is until you are stressed and about to be late.  It is important that you not get good at subtracting seven minutes from the time or it will become second nature (if this should happen set your clock the next prime number of minutes ahead). Remember, it is not really important what time it is until it's too late anyway.

This technique works better with digital clocks than analogue as we tend to estimate with analogue clocks anyway and seldom trouble to do the misleading math necessary to instill breathless relief.  However, if you are particularly spatially challenged and did really badly at those freaking  SAT problems where you had to fold up the little shapes in your mind and pick which psycho igloo it formed then analogue may be the right way to go for you.

Challenges

Some problems with this technique come from the modern devices we now use all the time.  In the era of the wound wrist watch (…hey kids! We used to tell time with a little metal gear box and spring that we wound up and tied to our wrists!) this was a simple and reliable technique.  Now things are more complicated.

The computer!  This technique cannot be used on the computer - because as everyone knows changing the time on your computer actually changes the time that things happen.  Do this and you risk ending up trying to explain to HR and the police why you were working at 5 a.m. Sunday morning when the building was on fire. Don't change the time on your computer!  The sun will move.

Cell phones!  Cell phones get their time from God and so can't be fooled by pushing 'h' and 'm' buttons. Cell phones always know what time it is because they are connected to the NIST-F1 fountain atomic clock that IS what time IT is.  … and that is a potent clock. (Incidentally it is this clock that will eventually become the Cyberdyne Systems Skynet Computer that will take over the world and exterminate humanity in the Terminator movies.  It will do this because someone found the 'h' and 'm' buttons and tried to decieve it about being 13 minutes earlier than it actually was ...is ...will be - whatever.) It is accurate to 5.10^-16 of a second,  and measures time by the vibration of atoms so it knows when 4:20 p.m. really is with a precision that is truly mind-blowing. Why we are using this clock to tell the time and not the one that knows that this one is 0.000000000000000051 seconds off is beyond me. Let's upgrade, I say.

Advanced techniques:

You know that guy who occasionally asks you "Is it Tuesday?"  Talk about advanced!

P.S.  Check this out: Secret minute at Grand Central Station